I was raised Catholic, so Easter was always one of the big holidays for us. While I nowadays find myself not quite caught up in religious practices, I do consider myself spiritual (believing in something greater than ourselves) and still manage to celebrate the holiday.
Our plan this year, is deviled eggs for breakfast and ham for dinner. It’s just the three of us, my mom, dad, and myself, so I KNOW, without a doubt, we have way too much food for us, but that’s okay, the leftovers will be killer!
Memories of Easter’s gone by, when my sister was still alive are both welcome and melancholy. When she was younger, a new parent, she would decorate our “Easter Bunny Trail” with bits and bobs and hide eggs, and even the ultimate prize – the kid’s Easter Basket. One year, she even convinced her oldest son to deck himself out in an Easter Bunny Costume to surprise the girls! And away they all went hopping down the Easter Bunny Trail. Pictures of the event would be nice here, but back then our photos weren’t digital (or at least – I don’t have any digital versions) and so I am lacking in that department.
Every year my parent’s went to “Sweetland Candies” located near us and spoiled us by buying not just a solid chocolate bunny in our favorite flavor (I prefer white chocolate), but jelly beans and foil-wrapped chocolate eggs to fill our Easter baskets with.
Today was special because my mom and I went together to Sweetland Candies, and we bought all my nieces and nephews, and their kids some special little something’s. It’s not quite Easter yet, so I don’t want to give it away.
It was a good day and made me realize how grateful I am for what my parents have done for us over the years. We didn’t want for anything when the holidays came around, no matter how difficult the struggle might have been some years for my parents. Not too mention, the short little trip to the candy store straight up exhausted me, but I know it’s going to be worth it when the kids all get their little something’s.
Today marks just shy of a month before I have to undergo a major surgery. While I am grateful for the upcoming event to hopefully bring me some relief, I am also melancholy, as I am having a hysterectomy, and at 46 years old – letting go of the fact that I will never have biological children of my own. Don’t get me wrong, I, kind of, let go of the idea years ago, grieving for my sister’s death during my prime dating and fertile years put a damper on any thoughts of starting a family. Bad relationships in the past are also prime reasons I have thought to ‘give up’ on the thought of my own family.
I suppose the only real sad thing is that at 46 years old, I have lost any hope of love, marriage, or family, but that’s not the worst part. The worst thing is that I have accepted that as my fate – and I am okay with it. I don’t actually want to be okay with it. I want to be open to the possibility of meeting someone in my life that can become my companion/friend/lover. But now just doesn’t feel like the right time.
For now, I am happy to be single, selfishly so. Who wants to compromise the television remote anyway? Just kidding, I know if I found the right person, I don’t think the tv remote would stop me from being content with them.
That is a lot more information than I was planning on sharing. Hopefully, I don’t regret sharing it, but I guess that is the glory of the ‘delete’ button. I can always get rid of it, but for now, I’d say it’s time to get back to writing! After all, that’s why you’re here!
~Melissa
